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The Trumpelephant Files is loud political satire about an orange elephant who builds walls out of his own dung. It contains no real people and no calls to do anything at all, to anyone, ever. Confirm you are 18 or over.
Donald Trumpelephant
The campaign that never ends
“Nobody knows more about this than me. Believe me.”
Token status: none. The full record is filed in Section 11 and updated the day that changes.
He is enormous, he is orange, and he has never in his life finished second at anything, according to him.
The eyes are small and furious. The grin is permanent and entirely satisfied. The trunk works continuously, producing two sounds: the best and fake news. Nothing else has ever been recorded coming out of it, though the herd insists there was a third sound in the nineties.
He does not lose. On the rare occasions the scoreboard disagrees with him, the scoreboard has been infiltrated by the Deep State Herd, and the matter is referred to Section 07.
The crown is too tall, too gold, and permanently at an angle of approximately eleven degrees.
Nobody has ever straightened it. Three members of the Yes-Herd have tried; all three now work in a different section of the campaign, in a different building, in a state they describe as “a promotion”.
He did not inherit it and he did not win it. He commissioned it, then announced that he had been given it by people — big people, the biggest people — who were crying when they handed it over.
It is the greatest wall anyone has ever seen. It is made entirely of his own output. Both of those sentences are official.
The wall is append-only. Bricks are numbered in the order they were laid and nothing is ever taken off, which is why it can only get taller. Submissions are checked before they are laid; if the checker cannot be reached, the brick is refused rather than waved through. No brick may claim a contract address exists — the file on that is Section 11, not this wall.
Six weeks to the count. Five slots and money for four — the fifth slot is a promise, not a plan. Nine elephants, and not one of them is both loyal and useful, because those are the same elephant and he does not exist.
Recruit up to five. Every recruit costs money, and the ones worth having cost the most in loyalty.
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This is satire about a fictional elephant. It is not a simulation of any real election, it reports no real polling, and nothing here is a claim about any real person. Your herd lives in this browser and nowhere else.
Perfectly styled, entirely silent. Present in every photograph and looking out of every one of them.
Shouts “fight!” at rallies, at dinners, and once at a fountain.
Describes everything as elegant, including the wall, which she has not visited.
Is here. Is not entirely sure why. Claps slightly after everyone else.
Two vocabularies: “Yes, sir!” and “The best!” Deployed in that order.
Enormous, loyal, red-capped, and audible from the next valley.
Every setback in this universe has the same author: the Deep State Herd, a shadowy group of grey elephants who are behind everything.
They are behind the polls. They are behind the weather at the rally. They were behind the crooked crown until Section 03 established that the crown is crooked on purpose, at which point they became behind that too.
The Media Hyenas laugh at all of it, which he cites as proof.
| Deal | Counterparty | Terms | Outcome |
|---|---|---|---|
| The Watering Hole | A neighbouring herd | Verbal, at volume | GREATEST EVER |
| The Grass Accord | The Media Hyenas | Signed on a hat | GREATEST EVER |
| The Wall Financing | Somebody else | To be confirmed | GREATEST EVER |
| The Crown Purchase | Undisclosed | Cash, then denied | A GIFT, ACTUALLY |
| The Peace With The Hyenas | The Media Hyenas | Lasted 40 minutes | GREATEST EVER |
Every deal in this archive is the greatest deal ever made. The archive is not permitted a second category.
Six incidents the campaign has addressed in full, and will not be addressing again.
Two photographs of the same field were taken eleven minutes apart. In one of them the field is full. In the other it is a field.
The campaign's position is that the second photograph was taken by the Deep State Herd from a deliberately unflattering angle, at ground level, on purpose, at the exact moment everybody had gone for water.
Matter closedHe announced the storm would hit the north pasture. It did not go anywhere near the north pasture. A map was produced at the following briefing on which the storm did go to the north pasture, drawn on in orange, by trunk.
Nobody in the room mentioned the orange. Nobody in the room has mentioned it since.
Map standsHe descended a shallow ramp very slowly, one enormous foot at a time, with his eyes fixed on the horizon as though the ramp were not there at all.
He later explained the ramp was steep, wet, and had been engineered by his enemies. The ramp is a ramp. It is still there. Anyone may visit it.
Ramp under reviewA visiting head of herd offered a trunk. He took it and did not give it back for nineteen seconds, pulling it three times towards himself while continuing to smile at a camera positioned to his left.
The visiting head of herd has not returned. The campaign counts this as a win, on the grounds that the visit was concluded on our terms.
Greatest everThere is no record of a Tuesday in the second week of the campaign. The schedule runs Monday, then Wednesday. Asked about the Tuesday, he said it had been a very successful Tuesday and that everyone was talking about it.
Everyone was not talking about it, because there had been no Tuesday.
Tuesday confirmedA recording exists. He has said, on the record, that the recording does not exist, that it exists but has been edited, that it exists and is fine, and that it is the best thing on it that anyone has ever said.
All four statements remain the official position of the campaign simultaneously. The archive has been instructed not to choose between them.
Perfect tapeThese are files, not news. Every incident in this dossier happened to a fictional elephant in a fictional political operation, and none of it is a claim about anybody real. The contract-address file is Section 11, not this one.
The vocabulary is small. The confidence is not. Eight words will get you through any rally.
The Yes-Herd is fluent. The Media Hyenas are not, which is offered as further proof.
This is the one section of the file that reports live, not lore. $TRUMPHANT has not launched: no contract, no pool, no trading, nothing to buy. Every UNAVAILABLE row above is an honest gap, not a number still loading — the gold meter is the character bragging about himself, and this panel is the file correcting the record. Anyone waving a $TRUMPHANT contract at you today is not carrying anything issued by this campaign. If that ever changes, the address is announced here first, on this page, and these rows switch to live figures the same day.